Victor Is Dead: Blog Posts & Other Observations

I came across this site when I was watching the sunset from one of the lanais of my parents' 2 Maui condo rentals. We were there during my spring break. My parents allowed me to bring a friend so I wouldn't be bored while they played golf everyday at one of the courses at the Kapalua Restort where the condo rental was located. We had a great view of the island of Molakai off the west coast of Maui. Anyway, friends in NYC had told me about and I was taking just a peak at the early posts in 2002. Later I got hooked on the journal posts and wondered about how much was real and how much was bs. But hey in 2002 I was in Maui. The sunsets were gorgeous, but the beaches were fantastic. My friend, Z, and I would go down to the beaches early in the morning, snorkel, flirt, swim, lay in the sun, return to the condo for a bite to each, check out the amenities at the resort- spa, tennis, horseback riding, zip line, go to the beach later in the afternoon, and then head back to the condo to watch the sun set. It was a great spring break to say the least. Once I was home I really did get into VictorisDead for several years. And then, one day the site was no more.

Recently I discovered that the domain for was available, so I bought it with the goal of recreating some of its content from archived pages. Rereading the posts from 2002-2004 brought back memories of my youth. I definitely didn't want someone else purchasing the domain and re-purposing it for something that had nothing in common with the original website's vibe. SO here is a little of this and a little of that from the site. Enjoy



Date: 98-03-01 15:51:53 EST
To: LunaCrow





about me

My name is Lauren. My nickname is Luna. And this is my attempt to sum up who I am:

I grew up in Plymouth, Massachusetts. Nothing to see there, so I moved along and spent my freshman year of college at Marlboro in Vermont, and no, I wasn't majoring in lung cancer. I go to Umass Amherst now, and I wish I could say that I love it, but that would be against my principles. I have a strange sense of humour that doesn't translate well offline. Or online, for that matter. I have never laughed at Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sealab, or Family Guy, but I find puns endlessly hysterical. I have no piercings, no tatoos, and no shirts that say "princess". I thankfully live off-campus.

My favourite things include the Quest for Glory game series, kitties, bunnies, Ren and Stimpy, Dance Dance Revolution, MST3K, episiotomies, my irc channel, cooking, The Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, horseback riding, and dead fetii. See if you can guess which part I'm lying about. Info on my other favourites, such as friends and websites, can be found in my links section.

I'd rather idle than engage in small talk, download abandonware than listen to 14 year-olds call me a n00b in the latest shitty pc game, and offend tons of people than smile for the camera. I like old clothes from thrift shops and new clothes I can't afford but buy anyway. I wore thick nerdy glasses and rolled-up jeans out of necessity before it was cool. I fucking hate moveable type.

I created this website because I was bored and all the cool kids are doing it. It was written using pico and notepad because couldn't figure out how to get Geocities Pagebuilder working. It looks best when viewed with Mozilla and a slightly deranged mind. I like feedback, so please email me and tell me what you think of this site, or better yet, ask me to take off my clothes.

Want more? Check out the faq.



How did you choose the name "Lunacrow"? Are you into astrology and gothy birds or something?
I picked this name out when I was 14 and needed a new AOL (shh) account. I took Luna from the Smashing Pumpkins song (off Siamese Dream) and Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000. LC are also my real life initials, although that was a coincidence.

How long have you blighted this earth?
I'm 20 (birthday: July 2, 1983). Yes really.

Where are you from?
Lately I'm from all over the place. I grew up in Massachusetts and lived there all my life until my first year of college, which took place in Vermont. Vermont is gorgeous (except during the winter when there's no snow, but lots of mud) and the town of Brattleboro (and its people) are absolutely fantastic, but I couldn't stand the school, or the vast distance between myself and any decent arcade, so I withdrew. I spent the last summer and fall in the UK (which was wonderful), and now I'm back in Massachusetts attending Umass Amherst.

Are you single?
Go away.

Will you smile/wave/show your bare feet for me on your cam?

You look tired in all your pictures.
It's my weird Greek eyes.

Where is Victor?
Victor is Dead.

How did he die?
No One Knows.

How did you build this site?
From scratch, using php and mysql, along with tack for templating. And an onion, and some string.

Give me some tips. How do I get traffic, and how do I make money off my site to pay for bandwidth?
Currently (February 2004) my site receives between 3500-4000 visits (not hits, visits!) per day. I certainly didn't forsee that when I started off over 2 years ago. So how do you get traffic like that?

  • Be a girl. Yeah, obviously. Despite what you think, there aren't many perks in life to being female, especially not on the internet (which is basically a massive boys' club), but this is one of them. If you're a girl and a nerd, you're exotic, you're rare. People will pay attention. And then they'll stalk you and treat you like shit when you don't give out nudes. But, since most of you aren't girls anyway, let's move on.
  • Launch your site when you have content. Don't advertise it when it's "under construction". People will never come back, or even remember you.
  • Once you have content, update update update. I don't do this, and I lose viewers as a result. But then when I go on one of my writing tangents, my traffic jumps again. No matter how banal my stories are, people come back to check them out. Sometimes they're even entertained.
  • Get yourself on some portals. Get a cheapass webcam, and go find a few. Tons of communities have them; gaming forums/IRC channels especially tend to have at least one. Pictures say a thousand text links, and people will notice you. Of course, you really want to be on portals open to anyone with a cam and a site. The first one I signed up for was Studenthouse, which is open to both sexes. You can expect anywhere from a few dozen to a couple thousand visits a week, depending on how high you're ranked (determined by how many votes you have). Also, there's a contest twice a month with cash prizes (yes, really, and yes, I've won before). Check out my cam page for more portals (some of them are girls-only, sorry).
  • Make some money to pay off the bandwidth/domain name bills or at least send the perverts away with some links to porn. Jam Master Lina got me to sign up for ClickCashbecause they're fucking insane and they give you $25 for everyone that signs up to their services, which primarily consists of the oh so slutty iFriends. iFriends is my best bet since the people looking for sleaze here are cam fanatics. I personally like my dirty pictures larger than 320x240, but diff'rent strokes and such.
  • Finally, make your code cross-browser friendly. This might not seem like a big deal until you have a large fan base and lots of angry Mac, Mozilla [which I use], and Netscape freaks cursing your mother. Head over to w3schools and learn about compliancy and CSS. Good clean code will save you time, bandwidth, and the headaches from trying to figure out how to please everybody. Except for people who use Safari; they can fuck themselves.
  • Can I host you?
    Thanks, but I'm all set.

Can you host me?
Sorry, but no. It's just a domain that my friend Jason and I have owned for a couple of years. It's our little pet.

Can I link to you?
IF YOU MUST. You may also use any of these link buttons freely (I'd appreciate it if you'd upload them to your own space, though). If you make a cool banner for me and want to submit it, please do! I'll add it to my site and give you a mention in my journal. 


2003 Journal Entries


Dec 02, 03

Conspiracy theory!

A while ago this random guy kept coming into my irc channel (and subsequently being banned from it) to tell me that he knew me, my mother's name was actually Liz, and my father (Victor, who is dead) was not actually my biological father. He'd get banned because he would never say who he was; he'd only act cryptic in an attempt to gain our attention, and also because he was clearly dead wrong. In the end, it turned out he was trying to sell a book. Obviously, he was batshit crazy. Today, I came across part of his site, which proved it. There's more on the next and previous pages, but I warn you, it'll make your head cave in.

Here's the excerpt from the page in question:

So like I'd been saying, A young person became aware of my in-laws life nowadays at work. The next Monday about 45 minutes after midnight or so - a young man died tragically in a car accident. He had been visiting his girlfriend the Cape Cod Times reported. I had been asked by a complete stranger in the wee hours of the morning if I had kids. So who is this former girlfriend from 1984? Her name is Liz. The same Liz that a young teenager from work knows of. She spoke her name without being asked at work. She is into anarchy among other things.

There has been a tremendous amount of activity out of the United Kingdom at my site, especially at "W. O. M. P." and recently like before someone was interested in the Mind Control page about high tech weapons that include sound and vision and the original creator of that page was into all things Anarchy based out of Australia. Extreme Tracking is a public tracker and I'm quite sure all those I. P. addresses - someone looked at and I'm not naming names - nobody has told me yet. That person quoted U. S. News among other notable resources. I've had the page for years now. The teenager at work knew of a cop in the U. K. named Danny Williams. Someone else asked her and I was within hearing distance. Danny Williams of the U. K.? Darth Chaos himself? Someone based out of the U. K. provided the world with an uncalled for image and believe you me - there is no way to cover those tracks now. The same Liz that was married to a Victor who is dead. There is a website about victor being dead and there are cached pages too. Google Advanced Search - enter

Those cache'd pages are about the girl from work. Links to web cams that lead to adult sites were included and probably not intentionally. At there is now the incomplete story of this young person that I know of, if she is in control of it anymore. Victor Is Dead used to be based out of the United Kingdom. The young woman has parents who do look like her - at least her mother does. I've not been formally introduced to her father. This young woman excels in mathematics and draws and likes science fiction - fantasy, just like Liz. In fact she even has nearly the same build and stance as Liz did when Liz was a teenager. This young woman has a place to go to in Wellfleet - an uncles place. On my way home from parts unknown today as I was headed up the beginning of Main Street, Hyannis by the new heart center and who did I see behind me, chubby in the cheeks and wearing glasses driving a blue economy car? She took a left at that road there. Does she work at the hospital? Is she visiting someone? Or does she live near there? Why has there been so much activity in my life from other people who wind up heading that way? This woman who was driving used to have connections up in Wellfleet too. Who was that driver in that car? Correct me if I am wrong, it was the widow Liz Homer - or was it :-)?

Tin foil anti-deathray helmets, anyone?




Nov 18, 03

At least they got rid of the Ripperitstinks.jpg

After hearing mixed reviews, I finally decided to try the Unreal Tournament 2003 demo for myself today.

It stinks.

I mean, you only get 2 maps with the demo, but they both look extremely tacky. I've seen some really gorgeous screenshots from the full version, but there isn't much in the demo worth mentioning. The three male characters you can choose from are all fat (I guess it's muscle, ew) and nothing to write home about, and they're covered with ridiculous looking armour that makes them look like bouncing Volkswagon Beetles. I bet the female characters are all wearing bikinis. Not that I mind that, I'm just saying, be fair. Not all customers are teenage boys afraid they'll turn gay if they see an inch of male flesh.

Here's what really got me though: what's with the forced, extremely low and gruff voices? Are they supposed to be muppets? And who's not going to be annoyed by them (after they're done laughing), other than the 14 year-old Norwegian kids who spend the game calling everyone a 'faget n00b'?

I think the defining moment would be when one of the bots yelled "OWNAGE!" (in the muppet voice). It was like listening to your parents say something you enjoy is "funky."

I'll probably get the full version anyway.




Nov 15, 03
You're a big fat sinner-head!
Time to open Bethany's mailbag!

Date: Wed, 12 Nov 2003 10:10:57 EST
Subject I need help !v To:
I saw my angel in my dreams, and before i woke up my angel smiled at me... and then i tought my life would get better because of this dream, but i'm still living in deep miseries, all i need is more money so i can help my family, everytime i ask my angel to help me make money...nothing happens ...and it gets worste everyday !

???????? how can my angel help me make money

[editor's note: what?]

Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2003 20:04:30 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: I need help !

get a job, sinner.

Shut tha F!!! up !
your the sinner with your fake angels !

Actually, I don't see anything in the Holy Bible about animated angel gifs, but I see plenty on Greed and Sloth. So that would make you the sinner, SINNER.
Always with Jesus's love,

Your crazy ? but you make me laugh because your commiting a sin, while actualy calling me Sinner.

Your crazy ?
but you make me laugh because your commiting a sin
What sin would that be, SINNER?
But don't worry - even though you're a filthy dirty pagan, I (as a follower of Christ) am full of our LORD's love for you. I will be praying that you turn to Jesus in time to save your immortal soul from the bowels of hell.

Do you pray for everybody in this world ?
What do you do in life ?

your the sinner, your probaly have a mental problem, because your not thinking about life, all you think about is the bible.
u need help, Sinner.

Do you pray for everybody in this world ?
Only the SINNERS.
What do you do in life ?
Sometimes I toy with AOLers.



Nov 11, 03

just so you know
This is why I haven't been updating lately.

beautiful shiny buttons »

I've added a new section featuring banners for your clicking pleasure. More will come soon, but if you have a particular character or idea for a new one, feel free to suggest it or send us your own creations.

everyone, everywhere will know the wonders of my website »

Welcome to, which is finally live as of now, and nowhere near completed.
Like it? Hate it? Something you want to see in the faq, or elsewhere on this site? Or perhaps you are also an obsessive fan, and you think you'd have much to contribute to this project? Please do email me.
posted 11.13.2003 by luna




Oct 20, 03

short story time

While I try to wake up for Japanese, here's a true tale from the very same class that occurred on Friday. I know it's not the Radiohead review. I'm getting to that.

So, I'm sitting there ready to pass out (I can never fall asleep before 3am, it seems), when Sensei calls on me to complete the next problem in the book. Here's the deal: we'd learned the word "kara'" ("because") that day, and our current task was to read aloud the sentence we were given, then make up a "because" statement in response to it. For example, the book might say "I will be absent tomorrow," so we could make up something like "Because I will be at the hospital." All this in Japanese, of course.

So even though I probably resembled the living dead, the teacher picks me. She preys on the weak. I stare down at the mess of hiragana and kanji. I think about my nice warm bed. It takes me an unnaturally long time to read it out loud. Then, nothing comes. I can't think of any reply. I have forgotten Japanese. Where's Japan, anyway? Maybe it's in my bed. My warm, soft, comforting bed.

Sensei is still waiting for an answer. I'm not sure what to do. My brain isn't functioning, to an even greater extent than usual. My sentence is "I will not take Japanese again next year." At least the book knows what's up.

"Any reason!" Sensei says encouragingly. Desperately my mind scrambles to construct any reason from our somewhat limited vocabulary. I'm exhausted. Class is almost over. I give up and throw in the only Japanese I can think of:

"Because I will be watching television."




Oct 14, 03

New yowak sih-taaay

My roommate Pat and I saw Radiohead on the 9th at Madison Square Garden. Did we spend a disgusting amount of money for pit tickets? Oh yes we did. Do I have a review for you? Oh yes I do.

What struck me as odd when we got into the stadium was just how empty the place was, especially considering that it was a sold-out show and all. We were able to get really close to the front left, with just a row of forty year-olds drinking beer between us and the gate. One of the women was leaning against it with her arms and legs spread wide across it. I stood there wondering if she really wanted attention that badly, when her friend comes up behind me and waves a hot dog in my face.


"Okay," I said, looking at the large amounts of empty space around me.


I've read that circumnavigation is a trait regarded as a sign of superior intelligence in horses. Just so you know.

Also, her friend's straddling was done to "save spots." I was a little confused by the lack of shoving going on, which would have been happening by this time at any respectable Megadeth concert. Also, someone would have been grabbing my butt. I was sorely disappointed. Everyone was just kind of milling around, not paying any attention to my butt.

By the time the opening band, Low, had walked onstage, most of the crowd still hadn't arrived. By the time they were 30 seconds into their first song, we could see why this was sort of a good idea. The band was godfuckingawful emo trash in its purest, mellowest, waltziest, whiniest form.

Allow me to express my previously unspoken feelings towards emo: it's communist bullshit. I'm sure a lot of you readers are progressive young hipsters keen on the sounds of The White Stripes, Bright Eyes, and Belle and Sebastian, and that you folks won't be impressed with this little tirade. If you're one of them, please don't tell me I need to open my mind and give these bands a chance. They got their chance when my boyfriend started playing them 9 hours a day, and they get their chance every time I groggily walk into Earthfoods for my cheap vegan lunch and holy shit if I ever have to hear that song about the wild pack of family dogs that came running through the yard one day I will force everyone in that cafeteria to choke on their sweaters and their biodegradable silverware.

Anyways, emo. I guess I just can't be impressed by someone who learned three chords on his acoustic guitar and then made it his life goal to tell the world how much he misses his wonderful childhood of running through flowery fields (or snowy hills, depending on the song) with his second grade girlfriend.

I think I'm most appalled by the stunning lack of effort put into any of these songs. The band members get up on stage and they sound and look like they each drank a bottle of Ny-quil and wandered into their parents' garages, where they discovered a bunch of mouldy, out-of-tune instruments and decided to form a band, dude, half an hour ago. I'm sure that's totally intentional, in the same way that modern artists love to convey that "struggling to make it" look. I actually think it's pretty fair to say that both groups ascribe to the same philosophy of minimalism, or as I put it, "lacking drive and talent." And as for the latest fashion amongst the two groups and their lackies, I was wearing thick glasses and rolled-up jeans before it was cool. And the mental scars I bear with me to this day of my fifth-grade classmates mocking my nerdy ass are enough to fill five, maybe six emo albums.

Back to how much Low sucked. I think it can best be described in the words of some guy behind me, which were, "You guys suck!"

To my horror, the crowd turned against him.
"You suck!"
"Ignoramus!" yells the guy in his forties.
Ignoramus? What the fuck?

I knew then, more than ever - rock is in serious trouble. I don't know when it happened, but we let it out of our sight for just a second, and they took it and ruined it, just like when your dormmate asks you if it's okay for her to hang "some cartoons" on the door and you say okay and then when you look at it the next morning it's covered with lesbian propaganda and articles on bondage. Time for a new door.

But, whoever yelled out his opinion was a jerk (a funny and correct one, but a jerk nonetheless). That's fair to say. I didn't like the band either, but I also didn't have wires attached to my hands forcing my to applaud, and that was good enough. Calling someone an ignoramus for not liking what you like, though - isn't that just the hallmark of the radical left. (The hallmark of the right when you don't agree, of course, is saying you're a sinner).

The band took this opportunity to make some hilarious comebacks, such as "Thank you!" "But we're up here!" and "Write me a letter when you're in a band, and I'll come see your show because I'm a morally superior being and I would never use put-down words at a rock concert."

"Shut up and play some music or get off the stage!"

A lesson for you growing boys: the words of two jerks stand out in my mind better than any of the songs played.

At one point, the singer asked the lightman to turn everything off and then gradually up as the song got louder, reaching full brightness when it got "really loud." How innovative. The singer gave a big speech on how it should be done to the guy who does this crap for a living, then changed his mind and asked for it to be done during "the next song." Regarding "the next song," turning up your distortion and thwacking out the same tired waltz as before while your flabby, stoned girlfriend barely keeps a rhythm on a snare drum and a cymbal and gazes out at the crowd with the longing stare of a fat hack thinking about a big fucking bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken does not, on my planet, qualify you as "loud."

But after forty-five minutes, several thrown objects, and an incredible behind-the-head bridge solo some other stuff, they were gone. And after another forty-five minutes of waiting and watching those fortysomethings drink $7.50 cups of cheap champagne, out came Radiohead.

I suppose you want to hear my verdict on them. But I'm not telling. You'll have to read about how much they rocked in tomorrow's thrilling conclusion.



Sep 26, 03
Now that I've redone everything
I'm going to sleep like I'm in high school again



Jul 03, 03


Pretty tired right now, but I thought I'd make a quick update to say I'm collecting all the wonderful gifts people have given me to make a nice little page of them, so if you love me and you love MS Paint you should make me something offensive so I can post it. Send me a link to your site if you make something, and if it tickles me enough I'll post both.




Jul 01, 03

My head hurts and I don't have a subject

I've been picking up my guitar again lately, trying to regain my talent for faking talent, thanks to a recent bout of listening to Radiohead's The Bends over and over. Something is wrong with my Guild's guts, though - it fades in and out if I plug it into the amp, and I don't have the money to fix it. This is kind of a good thing, since using distortion is a good way to cover up one's mistakes, and thusly a poor way to learn the instrument. Fortunately, a lot of the acoustics on the aforementioned album are catchy enough to inspire me. I'm pretty much back to learning stuff by ear, as I was never too good with tabs or sheet music. Also fortunately, I have the natural tendency towards being an angsty artist because I am oh so alone in the world with my thoughts and Google never lets me forget it.

Anyways, I was sitting around playing "high and dry" when one of my housemates walks in with the phone. I figured it was one of my thousands of adoring fans calling me to wish me a happy birthday (which is tomorrow) but alas, it was a market researcher from Texas. I didn't hang up though, because I need all the love I can get.

The first thing I hear is a bunch of babble about how they weren't trying to sell anything, but needed to speak with the youngest member of the household over the age of 18 (this made me feel really special), and it was for research purposes. Ok, whatever. She was going too fast for me to say I was busy, but I think that was the plan.

"In the past 4 days, which of the following newspapers or magazines have you read. The Phillidelphia [blah blah blah, more newspapers]..."
I managed to cut her off to tell her, "I'm sorry, I don't read any newspapers, I only read the BBC online."
"Ok, so that's a no to the..[names everything on her list]."
"In the last two weeks, which of the following have you read.." and she starts naming off the dozen or so newspapers again.
"I said I don't read any papers, I read the BBC."
"What's the BBC?"
"So that's a no to [list again]."
"Yeah.." By now I've been headed upstairs to put the phone back on the receiver, where it can annoy my housemates for the rest of eternity.
"Which of the following weekend magazines do you read--"

"I am going now, goodnight."

It all kind of reminded me of this site, which is a personal favourite of mine. If you've never seen it before, and you're the kind of reader who actually reads my site, you'll probably love it. Even if you have seen it, it's always worth another look.

I actually have entries for this page I've started, and never finished, which I know is totally out of character for me, but I think I'll post more crap over the next couple of days. Before you suggest that my birthday will be exciting enough to write about, know that my plan is to drink Smirnoff and watch Hackers, then harrass boys on IRC until I pass out.

My birthday. I'll be 20. Cheer me up by telling me how illegal I look, and by being dolls and voting for me in the latest camslut fiasco. I'm getting too into those things, but it's one of those guilty pleasures. Vulgar emails, letter bombs, and creepy pictures of your genitals bearing my name also make suitable gifts.

Actually, as I write this, someone (whose name must be withheld) has informed me that yet another anime wannabe girl on a massive message board looks a whole lot like me, right down to the clothes, hair, facial structure, and bedroom! Coincidences like that are really amazing! I love it when things like this happen because it usually means I can goatse the hell out of my long lost twin; however, in this case the perpetrator was clever(?) and uploaded the images to her own server. Right after I checked that site, it went down, presumably after being raped by the message board. Expect hilarity when it recovers.

Actually, I think the best part about all this is the realisation of how fucking cool I am.

[my little elf]: hi nice to meet you. Say, do you hang out on the CGtalk forums?

justice hole: never heard of them
**********: ok...thought I'd ask. I'm an artist there. One of the members has a picture of you claiming it was her.
justice hole: may i see this
justice hole: there's a whole ton of shit from my site
justice hole: smackdown time
justice hole: thank you for pointing this out

**********: it's not loading anymore
**********: maybe ran out of band width
**********: yep...the whole website holding them is down
justice hole: how did you end up finding me
**********: i know your site
justice hole: owned



Jun 25, 03
another copout
XTimebombX: work is going to be insane tomorrow
XTimebombX: the one person who knows what they're doing quit today, and she was the only one who i liked there
XTimebombX: now it's like my bosses, me, a person who started two days ago, and someone who has only been there a month
lunacrow: bring in a bunch of bots, write @ on them, and scream TAKEOVER



2004 Journal Entries


 [Jul 02, 04 @ 01:19 est]


Just in time for my birthday, I bring you a wonderfully shortened url.

I suppose I should say a few words about the last month. I haven't done anything particularly noteworthy over the course of it, other than spend time with a good friend or two, and attend my kid brother's graduation. This was pretty surreal since he's now 18, taller than me, and we aren't hellbent on killing each other anymore. I showed up fashionably late to my parents' house in jeans, sneakers, and a vintage boys' t-shirt, which apparently isn't proper ceremony attire, but no one told me this. Last time I graduated, I was under a cheap polyester gown, and since I can barely remember what happened 10 minutes ago, you'd be nuts to assume I even know where this sentence is going.

The event itself was quite expectedly boring, featuring speeches so unimaginative I've already employed slash-and-burn techniques on the corners of my brain storing them. The exception to this was actually the most uninspired speech of all, which was taken directly from a chain email. Once all this was over, the diplomas themselves were handed out. Now, they tell everyone to hold the applause until the end, but everyone knows they don't really mean it. As I explained to my brother before the event took place, the people who get the most applause will be the ones lease likely to have actually made it up to that podium in the first place. As I recall, the most cheered-for individuals during my senior year included the kid who spent about 17 years in the public education system, and the pregnant girl.

But as I also told my brother, it's all worth it when you get to walk out to the Macho Man theme.


 [May 31, 04 @ 18:07 est]

Luna soup for the soul

I've been meaning to make up a little list of life's lessons learned over my last couple of years in college. With it, I hope to guide the bright-eyed class of 2004 towards a more realistic future. The following post is dedicated to my kid brother, who is graduating from high school this Saturday:

Invest in a pair of headphones, not because you need to be considerate of your future roommate, but because you'll want to drown out his music - since he won't even know what headphones are.

If you ever find yourself in an argument with a roommate, lose. Promptly. The result will be the same, but at least it will be over quickly.

All women are opportunistic vulture whores and all men are brainstem-driven, soulless assholes. Dress accordingly.

There are still some people on Earth who have never seen goatse. There are also some who still think ayb is fresh. Goatse the former, punch the latter.

The sink may be outside your room and the bottle of Smirnoff may be on your desk, but do not let this dictate how you will obey your thirst.

In college, many people will put on a great show to act badass. Do not use tribute.wmv to test them.

Never truly love another human being. This will only end with you being left in favour of a fatty. Do not make friends either, they tend to die. In fact, avoid all contact with human beings whenever possible, as they are unpredictable and dangerous. Find a good stuffed animal you can talk to. If you choose to heed this step, you might want to ignore the previous one.

Do not fight the paramedics. They are there to help.

Having watched every episode from all seven seasons of Stargate SG-1 is not particularly impressive nor appealling to the majority of the population. They won't get your Goa'uld jokes, either.

When you are sitting in Calc II, and the teacher is explaining integration by substitution using the variable u, and asks a confused student, "How do I get rid of u?", you will probably be the only one to find it hysterically funny for the next 10 minutes.

Every stereotype you have ever heard is absolutely true in all cases.

Don't follow the lights.

Brush your teeth at least 5 times a day. If you want to live through this, you'll have to smile often. You won't feel it, but at least you'll look nice.


[May 27, 04 @ 02:08 est]

a story of giving.

Now, as you can well imagine, being a female on the internet has certain perks. While I've always bought and paid for my own collection of unused domains, I've never actually had to pay for bandwidth and space, since those with the proper hosting abilities are often glad to assist a damsel in distress. After all, I'm not a particularly demanding client. A few people actually read the things I type, but mostly they just look at the pretty pictures, realise the dearth of nude bong smoking camshots, and close their browsers. An exception to this rule seems to be the one and only Terror Alert Banana, which, up until the event I will soon describe, was receiving about 20-100,000 unique views per day. Still no big deal, really, since it's a pretty tiny image.

Enter The Big Forums.

Everyone with a site and images to worry over hates and dreads The Big Forums. Home to approximately 9 million frenetic Final Fantasy fanboys hitting F5 faster than a ferret in heat, these message boards are both a bane when someone decides to leech another's images, and a comedy bonanza when said images are replaced with shemale scat porn.

I don't know how, but people who post on these kinds of boards will interpret the idea "you can put this image on your site with a link back to me" as "please put this in your signature on a massive fucking anime forum without any mention of my site and tell all your friends to do the same". This is bad. Particularly bad if you're the person hosting the image and are paged out of a meeting because a server that survived a slashdotting has been taken down.

This happens to you. You're tired and cranky, and the girl you're hosting is still in bed, unable to rectify the problem. So you do the only sensible thing that comes to mind.

You replace it with goatse.

I woke up that afternoon to a series of emails accusing me of being the world's biggest cuntbag. This would not in and of itself be a particularly noteworthy start to my day, except that there were a lot of these letters. I figured out what was going on, fixed the code my host had haphazardly inserted into the banana script, and sent out some letters of apology. To the guy who runs I expressed my regrets before noticing your address. What the hell were you complaining about?

To everyone else who has yet to hear from me: feel free to mirror the banana or put it back on your site (and not your forum, dickweed). My host assures me it won't happen again. We're truly sorry for any traffic you've lost due to this incident - lord knows, I've lost even more. Goatse is a thing most of the civilised world still hasn't seen, and viewing a man's stretched anus is something I don't have the moral authority to force upon tens of thousands of innocents in a single day. And while it wasn't really my fault, my site did let its fans and supporters down, and I'm sorry.

But you know, it is kind of funny.


And at the end:

thanks for all your shitty, unfunny comments. if this site comes back, rest assured it will do so without said feature. for those of you just joining us, i am not mad because any comments were "offensive" or "mean" they were just so blindingly stupid that the site needs to be put down for the sake of humanity.

i'd say that i'd accept bribes, but i know you're all cheap as fuck and half of you probably have fucking webcomics with paypal buttons of your own, so get a free iFriends adult membership instead. at least they pay me, and i can spend it on alcohol. which inspires my writing. which is what you all want. right?

and because he needs the love: clayton skaggs